It’s On Up In Here
Genesis 32:24-28 Amplified Bible (AMP)
24And Jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25And when [the Man] saw that He did not prevail against [Jacob], He touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint as he wrestled with Him. 26Then He said, Let Me go, for day is breaking. But [Jacob] said, I will not let You go unless You declare a blessing upon me. 27[The Man] asked him, What is your name? And [in shock of realization, whispering] he said, Jacob [supplanter, schemer, trickster, swindler]! 28And He said, Your name shall be called no more Jacob [supplanter], but Israel [contender with God]; for you have contended and have power with God and with men and have prevailed.
As many of you know my father passed away less than two weeks ago. Although he had been ill, the thought was he was improving and he would have more years with us, so when he was taken in what appeared to be a sudden act of God, I was angry. God and I were not on speaking terms and I was totally in a place I had never been before. When people would mention the sovereignty of God in those days that followed I felt so enraged and angry I could have punched them and Him too. Many of you are probably saying either “not you” or “Oh my goodness that is blasphemy.” Well, to be honest this is just me being real about how I felt and what I was going through, and if it helps one person to heal, I am glad. I needed God and I felt He had let me down and as I reviewed my prayer lists and the major prayers I had prayed all of the ones I valued seemed unanswered, so my anger mounted, and my hurt deepened. How could God allow these things, I am not perfect, but I know my life didn’t stink to high heavens like many people I knew that had been and still were living foul and treating others with blatant disregard and distain. My heart was broken.
There were exactly eight people in my life that I have to thank, because they did not hit me over the head with the word, they told me to grieve and feel what I needed…They told me to wrestle with God and fight it out with Him, because they knew that eventually we would work it out. They didn’t say, oh my how you could be mad with God, they said whatever you need to do to get through, do it. They told me if you can’t pray and don’t want to talk to God we will for you. They told me to be angry, but they knew what lay inside. They encouraged me in spite of my words and in spite of what they knew I felt about God. The fight was truly on. Not just for them, for me, but for me with my God, the one who called me, saved me, delivered me. The one I called my all and I had written about, the one that I had preached and taught about. The one that I had encouraged people to come to know and to surrender their lives in a fuller and more sincere way. He and I were at odds, and even when I tried not to pray or talk to him, on the inside of me, I found myself, my true self, my spirit man speaking to Him anyway; trying to find rhythm or reason, trying to find peace and understanding. Wrestling with who He was to me and who I was to Him, what I could possible mean to Him and after this what He could possibly mean to me. I questioned everything from salvation to reality. Many a night I lay on my stomach tears in an endless flow, and my spirit reaching for God and my mind angry and not willing to let go or trust.
Strangely enough as I began to register for my next semester of classes, I began to think about a block of instruction from last semester’s class of developmental psychology. It taught us that conflict was unavoidable and that is was the only way to heal and to grow. I almost felt ashamed in those moments when I realized that this conflict between God and I was coming whether I liked it or not and He and I were bound to lock heads and hearts sooner or later, because for our relationship to grow, heal and progress it had to happen. Most people will never have the courage to admit that they have felt this way or that they have even remotely come close to being this angry with God and embattled with Him, but I know that anyone that has and is growing in Christ has experienced a moment where they have wrestled, fought with or just had an all-out street fight with God over issues, circumstance or occurrences in their lives. But I am here to encourage you to say, that for many who have experiencing or have experienced this you would not have grown, or been in a place of faith and trust, progression and development with God had you not gone through this time.
Be encouraged the fight, the conflict is not always a bad thing, some of my best friends, and greatest allies are people with whom I have fallen out with at one time or another. Because a true friend will love at all times and will forgive, even when forgiveness is difficult. God was no different, when we finally finished our brawl, I understood that it was for my making not my breaking and it was to teach me, strengthen me and to move me. It was to give me another weapon in my arsenal and another tool in my belt. It was to open up another level of blessing upon my life that would never come if I had not been embattled with Him. Don’t despise the fight, there is always a conflict and confrontation before there is a resolution and a solution! Its part of your process!
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